Funnies

some pumpkin carving ideas!!!

Leeder, that is so funny and cute. Out of the mouth of babes.

That is regarding the kids, not the pumpkin.

What about this one,

Hello.
I am the Friggin’ Happiness Fairy.
I’ve sprinkled happy dust on you.
So Smile god dammit. This shit is expensive

The New Birds and the Bees for the Computer Age
>>
>>A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
>>The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to
>>find out anyway!
>>Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
>>set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
>>We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
>>download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
>>discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it
>>was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little
>>Pop-Up appeared that said:
>>Scroll Down
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>>
>>You got Male!

Smart Women

One morning a husband returns home after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a restricted fishing area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Headlines from 2006


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

Gracie Allen's Roast Beef Recipe

----- My style of cooking ---------------------
I'm sending this to people who might be old enough to
know who Gracie Allen was, and you younger ones might
get a kick out
of it ! She was the original BLONDE!!!!!!

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the
little one burns, the big one is done.

Marriage (Part I)



Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady

and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:



"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time

I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a

great dinner to be on the table unless I tell

you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,

fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my

old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about

it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"



His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just

understand that there will be sex here at seven

o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."



(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)



Marriage (Part II)



Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of

their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a

headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever. "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a

headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last."



(HE ASKED FOR IT!)



Marriage (Part III)



Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the

breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says,

"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of

the house.



After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to

make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone

after many rings, and the irritated husband says,

"what took you so long to answer the phone?"



She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"



(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)



Marriage (Part IV)



A man has six children and is very proud of his

achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling

his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that

it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife

is ready to leave as well.



He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home

'Mother of six?"



His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion

shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."



(RIGHT ON, LADY!)



THE SILENT TREATMENT



A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the

man realized that the next day he would need his wife

to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business

flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and

LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM."



He left it where he knew she would find it. The next

morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00

AM and he had missed his flight.



Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened

him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper

said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."



Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman but there is

always a rough draft before the masterpiece.



SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN

YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT